And Yet Another Disappointment

I have just endured one of the most emotionally stressful weeks I've had in a long, long time, and every time I think it's going to get better (or that I've made it through without a breakdown), there's just one more thing. My knee-jerk reaction? Eat. And eat is what I've done all week even though my conscience has been screaming "STOP" the whole time. I just haven't cared. But now tomorrow is Monday, and NOW I care. I'm literally sick to my stomach right now. Too many sweets, not enough exercise... my body isn't used to this anymore, and it's retaliating. It's hard to explain, but I can FEEL that something's not right in my body. It just feels different... larger? bloated? full? I don't know how to describe it, exactly. I just feel yucky, and I've felt that way since Friday. The bummer is that tomorrow will be my sixth week of goal maintenance at WW which will make me a lifetime member (silver key charm and FREE membership). If I'm more than two pounds over my goal weight, it will set me back one more week. I came home from last week's meeting all revved up to lose the 1.2 pounds I gained that week. In fact, that was my goal. During the meeting we were supposed to make a goal for this week and describe two tactics we would employ to achieve the goal. My list: • track everything I eat • exercise at least three times. Pthhthhthththhth! I only tracked Monday's points, and I exercised ONCE! Pathetic. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel like I've run a marathon and decided to drop out with only one mile left. I'm also disappointed in the fact that when it really comes down to it--when it really, really matters--I can't control my eating. That scares me and pisses me off. I get scared because I know that as long as those reactions are still there, there is still potential for me to gain it all back and live a life behind the bars of obesity. I get angry because I know (KNOW) what I'm doing to myself when I gorge and overeat. So the questions remain: How am I going to survive the next week without gaining still? How do I conquer emotional eating? How do I make healthy food choices when there literally are none? I will entertain any suggestions.

Almond White Chocolate Cookies

Okay, okay... I caught some slack last week for not posting on Monday. Who knew?? BUT, I did post two recipes the week before, so that ought to have held you over. =)

I spent the majority of the weekend readying for Christmas: Christmas cards, Christmas baking, and Christmas gifting. At first, I wasn't going to do Christmas baking this year simply because I didn't want to be tempted by them. But then it snowed on my birthday, and all I wanted to do was be home baking. So then I thought, I'll just bake everyone's favorites and not go overboard with all the little "extras." But then I went to my favorite "mart"s and found the cutest packaging ever. So then I decided, Okay. I'll just do a little of the extras -- just because I can't resist all the coordinating packaging, and I'll hand them out at work. But then my list grew longer and longer and longer... and I'm right back to where I start each December.

In addition to my Christmas repertoire of candied pecans, peanut butter blossoms, Russian tea cakes, pretzel bites, and snicker doodles, I always like to try something new. I stumbled across today's offering while I was fingering through my sunflower recipe box. I decided to give it a whirl, and boy... am I glad I did. After sampling one, my best friend's husband said, "This is a real Christmas cookie." I didn't get a chance to ask him to elaborate on his enthusiasm, but being that I've had three (or four) of these for myself today, they must be pretty much worth it. (Okay... maybe it's been five.)

Almond White Chocolate Cookies

1 c. (2 sticks) butter, softened

1 1/2 c. sugar

2 eggs

1 1/2 t. pure almond extract

2 1/4 c. flour

1 t. baking soda

1/2 t. salt

1 bag (8-10 oz.) white chocolate chips

1 1/3 c. (6 oz.) slivered almonds

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.* Beat butter and sugar in large bowl with mixer on medium until light and fluffy. Add eggs and almond extract; beat until well blended. Mix flour, soda, and salt. Gradually beat into butter mixture until well blended. Stir in white chocolate chips and almonds. Drop by heaping tablespoonfuls 1-inch apart onto ungreased baking sheets.** Bake for 10 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Remove from baking sheets. Cool on wire racks. Makes 72 cookies. (No clue how many calories; don't really want to know.)

*I baked my cookies at 350 degrees just because my oven (electric) has a tendency to run hot.

**I bake everything on parchment instead of greasing (or scrubbing, for that matter) my cookie sheets. I also always use my mini cookie scoop (more cookies to share, less guilt when eating). I baked my cookies for 11 minutes and then let them cool on the pans before removing them.

You Want It, Don'Cha?

Okay... okay. Nothing like giving into temptation (even though it's delicious). Consider this recipe an early Christmas present. Once you try it, it will become your downfall too. ((Yes! It really is that good!))

Leona's Peach Cobbler

2 cans sliced peaches in light syrup, drained

1 c. flour

1 c. sugar

1 t. salt

1 egg

6 T. butter, melted

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray 8x8" or 9x9" baking dish with Pam for Baking. Drain peaches and place in prepared baking dish. In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, and salt. Gently beat egg and pour into flour mixture. Using a fork, mix the egg into the dry ingredients until it resembles course crumbs. Pour over peaches and spread evenly. Drizzle top with melted butter. Bake 40-45 minutes or until edges are golden. Serve warm with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Yield: 6 servings (8)

Banana Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

As I drove home from my WW meeting tonight, I relived the past week (and holiday) trying to figure out how I managed to lose again this week without a stitch of exercise, albeit the loss was only .2. In my conversation with myself, we discussed how I went into the holiday with the premise that I was going to eat whatever I wanted, but that I would just stop when I was full... which is just what I did. I even had my dad's spaghetti on Friday, leftover pumpkin pie for breakfast on Saturday (along with Culver's and Starbucks -- we were in Grand Forks), and peach cobbler for Sunday evening dessert. And that's when it dawned on me. "Whatever I want" today is very different from "whatever I want" a year ago. It's all about making choices.

Tonight at our WW "year-end meeting" (there's new WW stuff beginning next week--great time to join if you're interested), we were asked to talk about why we chose WW. As the question was posed to each person around the room, I found myself nodding in agreement with every statement. Because I need the accountability. Because people here understand what it's like. Because it works. And it really does.

I'm not trying to sound like run-of-the-mill nutritionists, but there really are ways of making healthier choices/options to some of our favorite "naughty" foods (except for my step-mom's peach cobbler -- which is completely sinful but worth every stinkin' calorie). Today's recipe is one of those options.

Banana Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

1/4 c. butter, softened

1/4 c. sugar (or 1/8 c. Splenda for Baking)

1/2 c. brown sugar, packed

1/2 c. banana, mashed (1 medium)

1 t. vanilla

1 egg

1 1/4 c. flour

2 c. old fashioned oats

1 t. baking soda

1/2 t. salt

5 1/2 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, combine banana, both sugars, butter, and vanilla. Mix until smooth. Add egg; beat well. Add flour, oats, soda, and salt; beat until blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop batter by tablespoons two inches apart onto baking sheets sprayed with Pam. Bake 9-11 minutes or until golden. Cool on pans for two minutes; transfer to wire racks to cool completely.

Yield: 4 dozen cookies (1)

Diet Coke Chicken

It just happens. I'll post while my students are reading... I'll post during my lunch... I'll post after school... I'll post before skating... I'll post after bath time... I'll post when the kids fall asleep... Before I knew it, it was 11:30, and at that point, sleep was more important. This week's recipe is an easy supper idea. Pair it with steamed broccoli and brown rice to round out the meal.

Diet Coke Chicken

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves

1 can Diet Coke

1 c. ketchup

Brown the chicken in a little olive oil. Mix the Diet Coke and the ketchup and pour over chicken. Simmer 15-20 minutes. Remove chicken and cover with foil. Simmer sauce until it reduces to desired consistency. Serve with extra sauce on the side.

*There really is enough sauce to simmer eight breast halves. Just brown in batches before adding the Diet Coke mixture.

Yield: 4 servings/one breast half (4)

It's Clementine Season, Baby!

"Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Clementine! You are sweet and I'm gonna' eat you, Oh my darlin' Clementine."

I was ecstatic when I thumbed through the Wal•Mart ad last night and saw CLEMENTINES on sale. It actually prompted me to load the kids into the Bat-mo-van, jammies and all, and drive across town for a "bedtime snack." The kids were just as excited as I was (as they love "Little Cuties" as much as I do), so they were all for the spur-of-the-moment trek. In fact, by the time Trent came home from work, the three of us were sacked out on the living room floor each with an empty Ziploc bowl (perfect for holding Clementine segments) watching a Hannah Montana rerun. A pile of Clementine peels littered the kitchen counter.

Yum.

Green Salad

This salad is a staple in my fridge, especially in the summer when any night is prone to grilling. It's a tasty way to add a serving of vegetables to your meal. Sometimes I'll even eat it as a snack. It goes great with any meal you would typically serve plain old green beans with, so experiment with its versatility. If you're following the WW program, this is also a great way to get in your daily dose of healthy oils.

Green Salad

1 can french-cut green beans, drained

1 can peas, drained

3 stalks celery, chopped small*

1/2 onion, chopped small*

1/2 green pepper, chopped small*

Dressing:

1/2 c. cider vinegar

1/4 c. canola oil

1/4 c. Splenda for Baking**

Combine all veggies in a medium bowl. Combine dressing ingredients in a sealable container; shake well to mix. Pour over veggies; toss to coat. Chill before serving.

*I often use as much as I like (or have) of the veggies. It's a good way to clean out the produce drawer in the fridge.

**The original recipe calls for 1/2 c. of Splenda. If using regular Splenda, start with less than 1/2 c. and add more to your taste. I use the Spelnda for Baking because I think it tastes less "artificial" than the regular stuff. Use whichever you like/have, just be aware that the baking mix is double strength (so use half as much).

Yield: 6 generous (1/2 c.) servings (2)

What Is In a Number?

Five hours later, and I'm still shocked. I gained two pounds this week... two pounds! And I'm unsettled to say the least. I walked into my WW weigh-in tonight certain that I was leaving another "decade" of pounds, only to be plagued with an ominous gain. Defeated, I gathered my belongings and left; I couldn't even stand to be in the vicinity of my newest enemy -- the scale.

The conflict is this: I like my body at my current weight, but WW says I need to lose five (err... seven now) more pounds to reach my ideal goal weight. I literally have been struggling to lose these last pounds since July. Look at my track record the last seven weeks: September 28, down 2.2; October 5, up 2.2; October 12, down 2.8; October 19, up 1.8; October 26, down 2.8; November 2, down 1.0, November 9, up 2.0. Seriously?? When my leader asked what I did differently this week and I answered "exercise" her countenance was equal to mine... disbelief. Yet she could offer me no explanation or consolation.

What disturbs me is this idea of a magic number. My leader herself related a story to me about how she struggled to lose "just five more pounds" and that no matter active she was or how well she ate, it just wouldn't go. She told me that her mother offered advice in that "your body knows best" and that she should just stop fighting it and accept her body's notion of her ideal. I visited a plethora of web sites tonight looking for evidence to support my claim that I am "just right" right where I am, to no avail. Every site I encountered said the exact same as WW (or less!) for an ideal weight for my height, age, and gender. And every BMI calculator I came across told me that I am still "overweight." Drats.

I seriously considered stopping the fight and quitting WW altogether tonight. I can't do that at this point, however, because I still need the comradeship and accountability that the meetings offer me. How do I know? Because the first thing I wanted to do after weigh-in tonight was eat: Dairy Queen, Pizza Hut, hotdogs and macaroni-n-cheese... I wanted it all. That's why I can't quit yet. Not until I can handle the stresses of life without turning to food first. ((And not until I reach Lifetime Membership. Who knew I would be so motivated by gold stars and charms?)) I didn't go to DQ; instead, I sat in the truck and had a good cry. Then I headed to face my family with my less-then-desirable results.

I'm still searching for an explanation. I'd like to believe that "muscle weighs more than fat," but I'm fairly certain that a pound of muscle weighs a pound and that a pound of fat weighs a pound, as well. I'd like to believe that I didn't consume enough calories this week to make up for the increase in activity. The fresh lefse and s'mores at the cabin took care of that one, I'm sure. I'd like to believe that it was "water weight" or "stress" or even a "plateau," but I'm not sure how much truth there is behind those factors. What I do know is that I was honest with myself this week. I tracked my caloric intake fairly accurately (I always round up when in doubt), and I exercised my tush off, most nights staying up until midnight to get a good "sweat-dripping-off-my-nose" workout in.

To make an already too long philosophical contemplation short(er), I didn't binge too badly tonight. My sister-in-law's mini blueberry muffins were irresistible (and completely WORTH the calories) and went perfect with a fresh cup of coffee (even though she left me with NO creamer!!). I rounded out the night with a jog on the treadmill (week 2 of C25K) and a 20 minute yoga/pilates workout, just to spite the freakin' scale. I've decided, for now, anyway, to continue to do what makes my body feel good: eating well and being active. I'm going to give WW until my 34th birthday before I re-evaluate and decide to continue with the program or not. I'll keep you posted...

Pumpkin Mousse

I've been calling this recipe "pumpkin fluff" just because it sounds silly. =) It really is a delicious alternative to pumpkin pie, and it is probably one-fourth the calories of a traditional pie, too.

Pumpkin Mousse

3 c. skim or 1% milk

1 small package fat free/sugar free instant vanilla pudding

1 small package fat free/sugar free instant butterscotch pudding

1 t. pumpkin pie spice*

1 (15 oz.) can pumpkin

1 (8 oz.) tub Cool Whip Free, thawed

In a large bowl, combine milk and pudding. Beat for 2 minutes. Add pumpkin and spice; mix until blended. Fold in Cool Whip. Chill for several hours or overnight before serving.

*If you don't have pumpkin pie spice, you can substitute 1/2 t. cinnamon, 1/4 t. ginger, and 1/8 t. nutmeg.

Yield: 6 (1 c.) servings (2)

One Year Anniversary

It has been one year since I joined Weight Watchers; one year tonight. And I've lost a total of 56.8 pounds (that's 1.09 pounds per week on average). I have five pounds to go before I reach my goal weight.

In all honesty, weighing in tonight was anticlimactic for me; I had wanted to be at goal in a year, so I was a bit disappointed about that. But overall, I have much to be happy for. Julie, the meeting leader, did celebrate my victory with the group as much as she could. It was a moment I was proud of, and, for the first time in my life, I was able to accept the group's compliments and congratulations joyfully and wholeheartedly. "You look good." I feel good. "I barely recognized you." Thanks! Sometimes I barely recognize myself.

The most touching compliment I've received so far came from a close friend of mine at work. We were chatting in the staff room and another teacher joined our conversation. Shortly there after, she congratulated me on my weight loss success and noted that I looked good. Without hesitation, my friend added, "Of course she looks great. She's smiling again!" And that was the moment I realized she was right. I am smiling again... often. And it feels really, really good.

I have a new goal now -- Thanksgiving. It just seems fitting. I am going to strive to lose these last five pounds by the 23rd. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a God who gives me the strength to endure. I have a loving, supportive husband and two beautiful, healthy children. I have a family that surrounds me with unconditional love and acceptance. I have a handful of the best girlfriends any woman could ask for. I have rediscovered my passion for teaching, and I have a new outlook towards life. I have a second chance. Just as each of you.

Speech/Drama teacher Abby Rike, from this season's Biggest Loser, lost her husband and two children in a fatal car accident. She is now traveling the country talking to teachers and students about second chances. I identified with this part of her speech from last week's broadcast:

"The fact is that life is hard, and sometimes it's not fair. But I'm happy to tell you that even in your darkest hour, there is always hope. Today is your second chance to choose differently. You can choose differently! To overcome your circumstances, to overcome your hurts, and to become everything you always wanted to be."

Amen.

Beef Chili

I had so many new (and delicious) recipes come my way last week that it was hard to choose just one. Don't worry, dear friends, they will eventually make their way here; I have lots of Mondays to fill. =)

I picked this recipe up at last Monday's WW meeting. I made it Tuesday night, and it was gone by noon on Wednesday. Yup... it's that good. I'm not exactly sure why it's any better than any other chili I've made in the past, but it just IS. As my friend Julie said, "It's a keeper."

Beef Chili

1 lb. lean ground beef (90/10)

2 cloves garlic, chopped fine

2 T. chili powder

1 t. ground cumin

1 (28 oz.) can crushed tomatoes (I used diced; it's what I had on hand.)

1 (15 oz.) can kidney beans, drained and rinsed

1 medium onion, chopped

2 stalks celery, chopped

1 (8 oz.) can diced green chilies

2 T. tomato paste

Brown beef, garlic, chili powder and cumin. Drain off any excess fat. Transfer mixture to a crock pot. Add tomatoes, beans, onion, celery, chilies, and tomato paste. Stir well. Cook on high for 4 hours. Garnish with sour cream and/or shredded cheddar cheese.

Yield: 8 (1 c.) servings (3)

Baked Banana Oatmeal

I've had a handful of people approach me regarding my weight-loss. "How'd you do it?" "What do you eat?" "Give me everything you have so I can do it too." I have to admit that I'm flattered to be an inspiration to others, but I want to express that I couldn't have been as successful as I have without the love, support, and encouragement of my family, friends, and colleagues. You really don't know how much your kind compliments have affected my ability to work through temptations and make good food/activity choices. In return, I thought this might be a fun way for me to share some of the recipes I have accumulated and/or modified to fit my new lifestyle. Occasionally (especially with the onset of the Holidays) I might post something "naughty." And that's okay, because I allow myself to eat what everyone else is eating. I just make appropriate adjustments to accommodate my choices now. The number in parentheses at the end of the recipe represents the "caloric count" of the weight-loss program I'm currently following. (Get it??)

Today's recipe is one of my staples; I make it almost weekly. It is a fantastic substitute for banana bread, especially when it's warm. =) Enjoy!

Baked Banana Oatmeal

2 c. oats (I use 1 c. quick oats & 1 c. old fashioned--or whatever I have on hand)

1 1/2 t. baking powder

1 t. salt

1 c. skim or 1% milk

1/2 c. unsweetened (or natural) apple sauce

1/2 c. egg substitute (I use Better'N Eggs)

1/4 c. Splenda for Baking (it's less "artificial" tasting than plain Splenda)

1 t. vanilla

1 T. cinnamon

2 ripe bananas, smashed

Combine ingredients in a large mixing bowl. (I do it in the order listed.) Mix with a fork until well combined. Pour into 6-count giant muffin tin (about 1/2 c. each). Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. Refrigerate or freeze after cooling.

Yield: 6 muffins (3)

A Touch of Elegance

My grandma Shirley would be proud of me today. I used her Pickard China I received from my mom for Christmas last year for the first time tonight. We had a lot to celebrate, so I figured, why not?

The predominate reason my husband's family and I feasted tonight was in celebration of the marriage between Robert and Diana, my husband's cousins. They were married in California two weeks ago and were home this weekend for a Minnesota reception. On their way back to the Cities, they stopped by for supper. I asked Robbie last night what he wanted to eat, and without hesitation he replied, "turkey." So that's what we had, Thanksgiving in October: turkey breast, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, squash, cheesy green beans, fruit salad, pull-apart buns, whole cranberry sauce, relish tray, and, of course, desert... apple crisp pizza and home-made pumpkin pie ((thanks Amy)). YUM!

The other cause for celebration is that my mother-in-law, Deb, finished her last chemotherapy treatment on Thursday. Deb was diagnosed with breast cancer last spring. She had surgery to remove the cancer almost immediately, spent the summer undergoing radiation treatments, and finished this fall with a series of four chemotherapy treatments. And through it all she has chosen to remain positive and solid in her Faith. She is a survivor (in more ways than I can even put into words at this moment); I can't think of a better reason to break out Grandma's China.

Call me crazy, but I believe Grandma Shirley was with me tonight. The turkey turned out perfect, tasty and juicy, the potatoes were "ridiculous" according to my brother-in-law, Blake, and, most importantly, I remained calm throughout the whole evening. The calm is important to emphasize because even though I LOVE (love-love-love) to cook for and entertain my family, I usually end up going into a "high-stress-frantic-Becky" kind of mode and forget to relax and have fun. Grandma was never like that. She also loved to entertain for her friends and family. In day-to-day living, Grandma was gentle, kind, encouraging, fair, silly, creative, supportive, casual, and unruffled. But when she entertained, she was elegant: fine linens, gourmet meals, decadent desserts, and of course, everything was served on her Pickard China. I truly feel like through all of my most elaborate dining endeavors there was just something missing... until tonight. Tonight I felt like she was here with me, guiding my judgement, directing my cooking symphony, but most notably, she was my calm.

Holiday Grapes

Trivial, I know, but the Holiday Red Grapes are hands-down the best grapes I've ever eaten. In fact, they are the ONLY grapes I enjoy eating, and it's probably a good thing I only brought 1 cup of them for lunch today... plump bites of juicy fruit bursting droplets of sweetness -- YUM! The problem is that they're only available close to the holidays -- hence the name. I find myself gorging on them during the fall (especially when they're on sale). And if I'm gorging on anything, it's better that it's grapes, I guess. =)

Another great figure-friendly- food-find is Earth Grains "Thin Buns." They're kind of like a pita but without the pocket. And they're on sale at Hugo's this week, $3 for 8 buns. They go splendidly with chicken salad and English cucumbers. ((Can you tell I'm enjoying my lunch today?))

The Last Lap

Now that I've participated in (and completed) three 5Ks, I've noticed a trend. The first half mile or so is brutal, the middle 2.5 miles are fantastic, and the last .2 is agonizing. I realized at my weigh-in last night that my weight loss journey has been the same. The beginning (learning to make healthy choices and control portion sizes) was grueling, the middle 9 months seemed to be easier (the more I learned the easier it got), but the end, these last 10 pounds, have been the most difficult to lose and, more importantly, keep lost. I wish I had a logical explanation. Three weeks ago I hosted my son's third birthday party on Saturday and lost two pounds by Monday's weigh-in. The next week I was completely "on plan" (as it's called in WW world) and GAINED the two pounds back. This past week I wasn't feeling the best, so I ate sporadically and didn't run at all -- with a 2.8 pound loss. Strange. The bottom line is that I've jogged too far to just give in and walk now. I need to refocus (or as Jillian and Tara would say "find my core strength") and finish this race. I really want to be at my goal weight by my 1-year WW anniversary (Nov. 2) which means I'll have to lose 2.3 pounds each week. (Seven pounds to go!) So, how do I run a 5K? One step at at time. And I'm on the last lap.